Blurred Life

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Since school has ended and a lovely summer is in front of me, I’ve been thinking about my goals, dreams, and intention. I start high school in three very short months which is exciting, but maybe a little scary. I feel like the next four years will be the years I learn and grow the most. But to learn and grow I feel as though I need goals and dreams to work toward and accomplish in life and in the next few years. But in trying to set up goals I realized how blurry my vision for the future is, I don’t know what I WANT to do with my life. I also don’t know what I am CALLED to do. One thing I know is that I am an artist and whatever I end up doing with my life it will have something to do with art. But I also feel that who I am as an artist is a blur too. I’m a dancer: I create things with movement. I’m a writer: I create things right here, I write about life. And my other forms of art are hand lettering, graphic design, water color and paint. Creating is important, but my biggest question is: what dreams do I have as an artist, as a dancer, as a creator? I’m in a weird state of mind trying to figure out who I am and what I’m supposed to do with it. People are always telling me “oh you have plenty of time” and I just kind of act like I agree. Time goes by too quickly and I waste half of it. I only have four years left of being a “kid.” I don’t have “plenty of time.”
I have a dear friend who is possibly moving to Iraq or Uganda or just staying in the US. She’s struggling with the same things; she wonders which is better, another adventure overseas or a normal high school experience with friends she loves. I wonder if this close friend, who I really met only a year ago, is going to be ripped away from me. I wonder why I get so attached to people; sometimes it seems I love people too quickly and deeply. (I actually believe you can’t love anyone too quickly or deeply though). Another close friend phrases my ability to get attached to people quickly like this, “you just seize their hearts.” Dang. Yes, I seize hearts. I have this feeling in my chest that gets caught in my throat. Sometimes I love people too deeply and others I don’t love enough. (Oh Jesus, help me).
My friend met one of my other friends a few weeks ago; I was telling her how much she’d love the other person if she really knew her. Her response was “oh I already do love her.” This is the same person who said I “seize hearts.” She is the one who seizes hearts; she loves so easily and I wish I was more like that.
In these next four years maybe I shouldn’t set tons of goals that end up being meaningless in ten years. Maybe I should just learn to really live. In a world where accomplishments are king, I want to be the person who can dream and do great things, but the person who knows how to breathe. I want to be the person who knows how to breathe, live and just be. Maybe the greatest accomplishment is just being.
As I glimpse my blurry future, I can be reminded of all the hard work I have in front of me or of all the lives God is calling me to breathe on. It’s ok to just breathe today. Life is a blur of moments you don’t want to miss. Love deeper today (love people too quickly).
Seize hearts, it puts the blurriness into focus.

Ava Lucia

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